Updated: Oct 15, 2020
As I look around my surroundings, I see a mess. From piles of clothes to crooked furniture, to a trash can that's been meaning to be thrown out, to a laundry basket that is filled to top, to a calendar that is not even on the right month, to 6 empty water bottles on a nightstand and to a Bible that is sitting closed with hair products above it.
This is my room.
To me, it's basically my life. It's a mess.
But as I look around, I see potential. I see how it could be but I choose to let it stay messy. I have not felt the need to clean it up. Yet, I am the one who messed it up.
There are so many things I could have done differently but I chose to let it get worse. Now, as I sit in my mess I feel dirty.
I know how to clean it up, I just push it on hold.
"I'll do it tomorrow."
Tomorrow comes and I say, "I do it tomorrow."
When does tomorrow ever become today?
The worst part of all of this, most of my days, I am here. I work from my room, I sleep in my room and I feel sorry for myself in my room.
Lately, my heart has just been empty. It is just not in the right place. I get mad at myself because the easiest thing for me to do is fake it. Fake that I am doing okay and that my life seems as if everything is going alright but in reality, it isn't.
The hardest question I get asked is "how are you." It is easier to just to say "everything is going well", even when you know deep down it isn't.
I have been off track and I have been drifting slowly. My heart hurts knowing that I am and I just do not have the motivation to pick myself up. I just feel weak.
The reason for writing this blog is to hopefully let at least one person know that if you have been feeling anything as near to what I just said... you are not alone.
Most times, people who feel depressed do not ever want to let people know they are. I think community is the most crucial weapon we have when we are feeling like this. Please feel free to message me, let's talk and be vulnerable with each other. Let's motivate each other and pray for one another.
Healing takes time.