The beginning of 2020 Diana The current Diana 2020
You may look at these two pictures and see the same person but for me, I see such drastic changes.
The girl on the left was freshly getting out of a relationship and had a rough start to the new year. The "fake it till you make it" attitude was written all over me.
Entering 2020 was a struggle. As much as I wanted a new year to start... I was hurting. I the first few months, I tried to figure out my identity.
Writing was my main source of release. I focused much of my time on reading and writing. I had many moments in January/February that I was angry at God because things were not going my way and that led me to a season of depression.
Towards the beginning of March, the pandemic began.
I remember thinking.. this is not real. This is not happening. I felt more trapped than ever. I lost my job in March and things just started to escalate quickly.
Everywhere began to shut down. People were in mega panic mode.
I took advantage of the pandemic and began to build my blog more. I was posting and writing weekly. I even started to write a book. I started taking on new hobbies. I even worked out for a whole month (no days off... crazy). The best part my 2020... I spent so much time with Jesus. My Bible was constantly being opened and God was pouring so much into me.
But then... I began to become depressed. Towards the end of July, I spiraled. Nothing felt right anymore and my mind was all over the place. I began to think of myself as a failure. Loneliness kicked in. I felt as if I was too far behind. I felt as if I had nothing going for me.
In July, I decided to take a trip to see my siblings in Los Angeles. I figured a distraction would help. But as soon as I came back from the trip... it worsened. All the healthy habits I was building from March-July stopped and I felt like I did not know how to be a person. I could not write. I was not eating. I spent days in bed. I felt like time was getting stolen from me. I was angry. But by the grace of God, He always finds me.
In August, my church held a summer camp for the youth. I was a leader for middle schoolers and if I am being honest... my heart was just not where it needed to be. I felt as if I could not do it. A couple of days before camp, I almost took myself out of being a leader. I wrestled with the decision but decided to just do it for the students. Best decision I made! I needed to be filled up just as much as the students. After camp, 2 of my students asked me to baptize them... I completely lost it. What an honor!
A student of mine told me how much of an impact I have made on her life and I just felt God's presence over me. I did not even realize what God was doing in me while it was happening.
I felt like I could finally see God again. In September, I started my own Etsy Shop. I wanted to honor God in what I choose to do. I built a business that is meaningful Christian jewelry.
God has been using me in ways I would have never imagined him to use me.
I learned so much about myself in 2020. This year has been a year of self-discovering and growth. 2020 has taught me that time is precious but God has a plan for everything. God's timing is perfect. I learned to be more patient. I learned to be more accepting. I learned how deep God's love is for me.
I learned I am not in control. God is.