DISTANT BUT NOT DISTANT


My testimony.


I was brought up going to church. My dad actually always made sure I was attending church weekly. Back then, I was attending a Catholic Church. I never really paid much attention in church because I was always bored during mass and I could not really connect well with the priest. I did believe in Jesus and I prayed when I remembered to. When I was in high school I was figuring life out but I stopped attending church.


I want my testimony to be 100% real because it’s 100% me. I want to share where God moved in me through the ages 18-19 years old. Those were the ages I was most impacted and those were the ages I needed God the most.


When I graduated from high school I was so lost. All my friends were off to college and everyone I knew had an idea where they were going in life. Not for me. I did attend college for 1 semester and shortly after that semester was over I dropped out. I felt like I did not need college to be successful. I did go the following semester to be certified in wedding and event planning. I thought that was my passion and the dream job I always wanted. Shortly after being a certified event and wedding planner I discovered I did not think this was the plan for my life. I became so lost at the age of 18/19 that I started to do go after all the wrong things.


I felt alone and confused. I hated myself. I was disappointed in the person I was. The enemy really took over me and gave me thoughts of suicide. So many nights I cried because I just felt as if I did not have a purpose in this world.


In the mists of that storm, I was in a relationship that I had no place being in. It was toxic. That relationship made things a lot worse. He never made me feel good about myself. He was manipulative and wordly abusive. A situation occurred in our relationship that I never imagined myself to ever be in. He was arrested. I never thought in a million years I would have to go through something like this.


He was in jail for three days. For three days I cried out to God. I was on the ground begging God for answers. I kept saying to God, why is this my life? I had no love for myself. I just thought my whole life was falling apart.


I thought during those three days how messed up my life really was. But… from the grace of God. Jesus during those three days did something in my heart. He saved me. The following Sunday I attended church. Willingly.


Mind you, I was still in this relationship. The following Sunday I asked my boyfriend at the time to join me. He actually agreed. He was no where near a Christ follower so I was surprised. I thought maybe God could change his heart. I thought maybe if I keep bringing him he will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I thought maybe if I keep bringing him maybe him attacking me with his words would stop. I thought maybe if I bring him he would never put his hands on me again.


But man was I wrong.


Soon he stopped coming. He would always get up and leave to use the bathroom for half the service. He still treated me the same. He never was going to change.


One service I was sitting alone. They played a video of beach baptisms, my heart knew that it was my time to get baptized. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I was signing up for it. He all of a sudden became negative towards my joy.


That day, I let go of that relationship. I told myself in that moment that I WILL NOT let anyone tell me that my love for God is wrong.


The following week, I was baptized.


If it was not for that relationship, I would not have this testimony. All the pain I faced for 2 years. All the hopeless nights. All the tears I cried… I would not have it any other way because God made me the person I am today because of that relationship.


When I was 18/19, I had no love in me. I never loved me. The man I was with did not love me. But… God never stopped loving me.


The reason why this post is titled “distant but not distant” is because after high school I stopped attending church. I had very little faith but God still managed to some how use what I have to bring me back home.


xx,

Diana

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